When you say “That’s so retarded”

   In 2013 my wife, Tiffany, made a new years resolution to scrub the phrase “I’m/ That’s so retarded” from her conversations.  I decided that I would do it in 2014.  Ever since our youngest son was born with Down Syndrome that phrase has meant something different when we hear it.  I am reminded of the Princess Bride when a friend, or relative, or someone I don’t even know uses it.  The voice of Inigo Montoya whispers into my head “You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it mean.”  “Inconceivable!”  I think, “that everyone says that phrase without a second thought”.  As many parents who navigate the new waters of parenthood having a child with special needs will attest, we know what that word means.  We feel its connotation when it’s said. 

   I do not, for a second, believe that most people use this phrase in hopes to make anyone feel bad.  Many people, upon meeting Austin for the first time, will swoon over his sweet smile.  His loving personality can win anyone over.  At church he is a hit! All of the ladies think he’s the cutest and want to hold him.  He has offered hugs to people at just the right moment.  When I run with him, everyone waves.  When we go to the supermarket complete strangers will stop what they are doing just to say hello.  No one despises him.  No one talks negatively to us about him. Yet the phrase persists. People at church have lightheartedly made comments about “riding the short bus” when referring to themselves or others.  I have friends and co-workers who will use the phrase, and catch themselves as the word "retarded" leaves their mouth.  I can tell instantly by their awkward pause that they are waiting for me to say something, or get upset.

   So, for the record, when you say “I’m/that’s so retarded” I don’t get upset. What does happen is that I live a lifetime in that phrase.  I think of kid’s that will use that term to tear down my son.  I think of a label and a stigma that will be placed on him for all his life. I think of other children with Down Syndrome, mental retardation, autism, or physical and emotional disabilities. I am reminded of new parents that are navigating eel infested waters, sensing the danger and always waiting for the next attack.  I think of our other two children, who do not see Austin as anything other than their little brother, and I wonder what that phrase will mean  to them.  I know you don’t say it with malice.  Many of you don’t even realize you are saying it. It has become a go-to phrase for many, as it was for me.  I do not judge anyone for using it.  I only wish that you would think about what it means to us.  My son is so much more than a label and he deserves much more love and respect than that phrase offers.  I offer my feelings so that if, by chance, you find yourself using that phrase to one of the thousands of parents, family, or friends of someone with special needs, you may think for a second about what it means to us. That you may think about what it will mean to Austin.

TJ