For the Dad I wish I’d Known

For as long as I can remember my Dad has been my hero.  One of my earliest memories is of my Dad and I driving to our favorite fishing spot, him looking at me and asking “are we best buds?” and me saying enthusiastically “yes!”.  I caught my first fish in the “mud hole” that day.  I remember the line going taught and setting the hook just as he had taught me. Instead of simply reeling it in I began running backwards and pulling that poor fish through 6 feet of mud before Dad stopped me.  He laughed for a long time about that.  It is one of my clearest memories of childhood.

Shortly before my 15^th birthday we drove to a used car lot not far from where I live with my family now.  There was a car there that he wanted me to see.  I had no idea what a Ford Mustang was until that day.  I sat in the passenger seat of a 1968 blue mustang as dad test drove it. It had a straight 6  200 with a 3 speed and an AC unit that would barely work.  It shook a bit at 65 miles per hour.  I had no idea that car would give me some of the best one on one time with him.  In the coming months I would learn more than I could imagine about clutch’s, pressure pads, alternators, voltage meters, alignment, and everything that a 60’s model car could teach you. I heard stories about he and my mom,  his experiences growing up in Corpus Christi, and life in general.  All the while listening to classic rock on the "boom box".  We spent hours with each other and that car. While I cherish every one of those memories now,  all I could think about as we drove it off the lot that day, Steppenwolf’s “Magic Carpet Ride” blasting through the cassette deck, was about how it needed a proper CD player and how girls were finally going to notice me.

I wish I would have never sold that car.

Throughout the next few years we would have our fights, our laughs, and our moments of father and son bonding.  He would support me through my dumb decisions.  I would think that he was silly for worrying.  That Mustang gave me the freedom to go, and go I did.  Dad and I had would have all the time in the world later. He and Mom were supportive of me and I could tell how rare that kind of trust was. On the night I graduated High School he was so proud.  I can still see it in his eyes when I think about it.  But there was no time to waste, college was waiving at me from the horizon.  With it a wider world, more time with friends, and less time for mom and dad.

In the Book of Mormon there is a recording of a relationship between a father and a son that I have always found heartwarming.  Nephi is a young man, who's brothers do not believe much of what he says or does.  His father, however, shows time and time again how much he trusts and admires his son.  While I do not have brothers, or siblings for that matter, I have always related to this feeling of trust from a father to a son.  I felt that from my dad. I hope that one day my children feel it from me.

On September 19^th 1998, just a few months after graduation, I lost out on getting to know better the greatest man I ever knew.  I’m not sure why this month, this year, has made me think about it more.  Perhaps it’s because I am approaching an age where I will have less years of being with him than being without him. I have found myself randomly visiting spots that we would frequent.  I happened to be passing by our lake place at the beginning of the month and stopped to check it out.  While out working I found myself parked at the business he had started before he died.  The receptionist is the only one that Is still there from that time, but the minute she saw me she gave me a big hug and talked to me for a long time about the past.  It was good to reminisce.  It is always nice to hear about him through the filter of someone else’s experience with him.  There has never been a bad story in the bunch.

There are times when I am saddened that I did not get to know my Dad in the adult years of my life.  I have found that many of his insights into my dumb teenage decisions were true.  It would have been nice to tell him he was right.  I think he would have loved to hear it. I would have liked to have been a man at the same time he was a man.  To ask him, am I doing it right? Do I represent our family well? I would have liked to have gotten to know him better.  I am grateful for the knowledge that I have that I will see him again.  That, at least, gives me hope when I feel that I have missed out on the experience of having him around to see his grandchildren.

There are few promises for our mortality. For the most part we do not get to pick how or when we are done here.  I appreciate the short amount of time I had.  I long for the Father I wish I could have known.  I feel so much like him at times, and like I have so much more to learn at others. 

How grateful I am that such a wonderful man was my Dad.  I’m not sure if those who have passed have the opportunity to read the things we write.  I would imagine that Wi-Fi in the afterlife never crashes, unless it’s AT&T. But if on the off chance that this message reaches past the 0’s and 1’s of the internet I hope that he knows of the gratitude I feel for him. For the great example of husband and father he was. That his life left a great impression on me and that I look forward to that happy and glorious reunion that will provide me a way to know him better.

I love you dad.

TJ